Breath Again

*gasp*

"I couldn't afford to lose you", he said.

I breathe in deeply and out slowly. Holding back my tears in the eyes.

Staring at the screen for minutes, mind started to question, heart started to be dramatic.

Knowing that I had a big impact from the past and he repeated my history. (not big cases like betraying, of course)

After the past, I've promised myself that I'll never torture myself by staying but I'll hurt myself by leaving earlier from being hurt.

I have to make a confession that I'm not making any comparison btw current and past.

As I always said, truth is always better than finding out things myself.

I rather to be mad at the truth than being in the lowest mood at the truth that revealed by myself.

Yea, being insecure is the Cancer's big no-no thing.

I asked God, "Are You loving me or torturing me?" Or, the karma that I have to pay now because the truth just came out without my expectation. 

I put on more blames on him than the 3rd party as he could have rejected the offer or take no action.

We never bring up the "break up" word in our arguments before.

But, that day I've asked for a turn off. For friends who knew me well, I barely ask for this but when I asked for a turn off means I'm lost and no longer hold with the feelings anymore.

You would be surprised with that but asking for a turn off not because of the incident happened, but him, the guy who I neither doubt nor suspect since day one.

Through days of messing up our relationship, I bet that neither one of us is happy but he's the one who held this on strongly. And from that, I'm sure that he's a taker. Or in another point of thinking, he did consider of my feelings in another way by hiding it since he'd did it. 

So, "I chose to stay with all the right things he had done and not to leave with the one mistake he did." - from The Vow.

I admit that my past almost 3 years relationship's wound is not completely healed yet, and he put in so much patience and efforts to heal me up.

Some of you will be thinking that I'm using him to heal myself and take him as a "float", I'll leave that mindset back to you.

I don't have to explain much as long as we know the love that we gave each other is real.

Words are useless but actions are priceless.

By the way, I have to thank to the 3rd party because our relationship has grown even further after this incident.

And today, we've walked through another half of the 366 (365) days.

Happy 1 year and 183 days, love!

You're the best of my best.

xoxo,